


Deep Inside this Armor

by Akinasky



Series: Awkward Cuddles That Go Nowhere [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AO3 FB Challenge, Gen, No Toxic Masculinity in Sight, Other characters mentioned but its just the two boys, Roulette Wheel Challenge, Sharing a Bed, Spoilers for Season 2 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 13:19:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15752493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akinasky/pseuds/Akinasky
Summary: Jace is back in the Institute after Clary Wished him back to life and he's struggling to come to terms with this life after death





	Deep Inside this Armor

Jace walked back into his room after a long night of him dying and being brought back to life with a forbidden wish, hiding the truth from everyone including his brother, all he wanted now was to sleep. And not wake up again. For those few minutes he was gone—there was no way to really explain the feeling but it was light and he was floating. Jace wanted to float again. He didn’t want to hurt anymore and maybe after he floated out of his body, Jace realized how much al the death and his upbringing with Valentine and everything in between hurt. So. Much. Even what he had with Clary hurt more than it helped but he couldn’t bear to be without her. Not now.

Jace pushed himself into his room and over to the bed. The door shut behind him thanks to a subtle hip check and with a couple of listing steps Jace slid down onto the mattress. Immediately he kicked off his shoes and slid out of the jacket. It took some work to peel the blood-soaked shirt and shimmy out of his pants, leaving him in his boxers.

He should shower, Jace knew that but he didn’t have the energy so instead he wobbled back up on his feet and into the bathroom to wet down a cloth and wiped up the smears of blood, trying desperately to not look in the mirror. He didn’t want to see what may be reflected in his eyes.

When Valentine stabbed him and he dropped to the ground, there hadn’t been angels or a light at the end of the tunnel like so many ‘close calls’ as mundanes liked to call them. There was nothing but darkness and silence, like he’d gone deaf and blind in a second. Then the floating started, it was like taking a breath after holding it for too long.

So was there anything else to look forward to? Sure he’d felt relief but the darkness, that was there too and it was never ending. Despite their battles and the life he’d dedicated to the angel and his people, all he would have in the end was silence and deep never-ending black. Jace finished wiping down his body and accidentally glanced into his eyes in the mirror, shuddering at the lack of anything he saw there.

There was a knock on his door and Jace called out as he leaned on the bathroom counter and forcing out a calm and even tone, “Clary, I’m fine. I just need to sleep.”

The door opened anyway and Jace turned to confront her but found Alec standing in the doorway. He was in his signature jacket and fighting gear, like he’d come straight here to see Jace, which was kind of surprising since Alec was spending more and more time at Magnus’s place than the institute these days. What was he doing here instead of going to see his DownWorlder lover?

“I know you’re here right now but I felt you die.”

Oh, yeah. That. Straight for the gut is still Alec’s go-to method of communication, which hadn’t changed in all their life together. Jace sighed, “Alec, no.”

“You can argue all you want but I know what I felt, please. I know what I saw. I watched the rune disappear and that _only happens_ if the other person dies. I don’t want to fight though, I didn’t come here for that.”

“Why are you here then?” Jace snapped.

“I needed to see you. Jace, you’re my brother and my Parabatai. I don’t want to go to Magnus’s place tonight and I don’t think I can be anywhere but here. With you.”

Jace sighed, tossing the soiled handcloth into his laundry bin and grabbed a fresh shirt from inside the bathroom and slipped it over his head. The movement off balanced him enough that Jace started to fall but then Alec moved across the room and stabilized him quickly. Jace gripped Alec’s shirt in his fist, wrapping an arm around his Parabatai’s shoulder and they shuffled back to the bed. Alec settled Jace into the mattress, shoving the covers back enough for him to slide in between the cool sheets. Jace let himself be tucked in, a part of him wanting to push Alec’s tenderness away which wasn’t the norm for them. He didn’t want to be alone, even if that meant lying some more.

Then Alec ditched his shoes, his jacket and his outer shirt before he laid down next to Jace, “Is this okay?”

“Its just like all of our sleepovers when I first came to live with you,” Jace snorted, thinking of all the times he’d climbed into Alec’s bed after his parents died and he came ot the Lightwood’s home. The first three months or so, he’d been so lost that he either slept with Alec, Izzy or both. But it didn’t stay that way.

Before long it morphed into them hiding under the covers and laughing as they read whatever book they swiped from their parents’ library, reading the diaries and about runes. Sometimes he wished he could go back to before when they were just in training and before they got their runes. When they were just kids playing at being Shadowhunters.

“The ones in the beginning?” Alec asked with his patented smirk.

“Maybe I don’t want to be alone either.” Jace admitted quietly.

Alec turned on his side, holding his hand out and Jace took it and pulled himself an inch closer to his brother. Alec pressed a hand to Jace’s shoulder and he sighed.

Jace closed his eyes and before a second had passed, he fell asleep, comforted by Alec’s presence.

 

_“Jace?” Clary called and he turned to see her in the bed with him and frowned._

_“Where did Alec go?” he asked hoarsely._

_“It’s just me here. I’m here with you and I just wanted to be with you. We’ve made it this far and its time.”_

_Jace reached out to touch her face when he heard someone speak behind him and turned on the bed, “Jonathan!”_

_“Take this,” the demon/brother said holding out a large knife and nodded towards Clary, “Kill her. Do it. This is what you were made to do.”_

_Jace shook his head, pushing Clary away from him even as she hugged him close. “No, get away from us! Stay away!”_

_Jonathan leaned down over Jace and Clary in the bed, gripping the knife tightly and started sliding it down Clary’s throat and she lay frozen and let him stab her in the stomach. Clary gasped, the sound filling with pleasure and pain._

 

“NOOOO!” Jace screamed, sitting up in the bed and there was Alec, grabbing his flailing arms and pulling him back down to the bed.

“It’s okay, she’s not here. You’re safe.”

Jace looked behind him, looking around the room but there was no one there. Jonathon wasn’t back, Clary wasn’t in the room. It was just Alec and him. He resettled against Alec’s chest, curling into his chest again.

Jace knew he shouldn’t be doing this, thinking that if Clary saw him like this, she wouldn’t think he was such a badass anymore. At least Alec had seen him fall apart countless times. There was no shame here, with Alec at least.

Alec pressed a hand to the back of Jace’s neck and pulled him in close. “Just try to sleep. You can do whatever you need to do here Jace.”

He nodded and curled into Alec’s chest and closed his eyes. He didn’t think he was going to be sleeping any time soon but at least he wasn’t alone. It probably wouldn’t be the last time Alec shared his bed.

Magnus may get jealous, Jace thought with a little smile though it was nothing more than a small joke in his mind. Alec was lucky he’d found someone who loved him like that. Jace didn’t know if he could love someone like that, even Clary. But Alec, his brother, that was a person he’d been always able to love without measure even if he didn’t act very well with him sometimes. Frequently. Well, all the time.

“Thanks for being my brother Alec,” Jace whispered and Alec nodded and squeezed him a little harder. Maybe he would be able to sleep again, if only his brother was there to protect him in his sleep.


End file.
